His Name Is Bandit!

Among the special guests are Horkmeijer Springtail and his lovely choir of snow fleas providing backing vocals, the very doomed John LaSala on lead vocals, and the great King Bandit and his mommy, Kate providing additional vocals. The very doomed John LaSala provides lyrics and lead vocals.

His name is Bandit!
Yes, he is big and brown.
He will demand it
if you don’t wipe that frown
off your face. Keep your pace
as we race into space!
He’s known as Poochers,
and you should share your snack,
for he will mooch yers.
And believe me; you will crack
when he wrinkles his head,
and he twinkles his eyes,
and he puffs up one cheek,
and you start to cognize
that he’s a goof-ball
with tufts of hair on his rump,
but he’s a cure-all
for being a grump,
though there’s a pin in his leg
and silver stars on his tooth,
a knuckle on his head,
and he is anything but couth!
Well, damn it!
Look who just puked on the rug.
His name is Bandit,
but you can’t get mad at that mug—
that big lug!

Poopy Smackers, Monkey Boy,
Stinker Pants, go get your toy!
Oh, Pooch MacGooch, he just might smooch
you deeper than you might enjoy-
joy, with teeth deployed!

His name is Bandit!
He’s just a little insane.
Although he’s no pandit,
there’s just no time to explain
how he’s smart as a whip,
and clever—no doubt,
as bright as a light bulb
that might have just burned out.
Oh, Bandicoot,
you were even hit by a car,
but you can be so damned cute,
and it’s a bit more than bizarre
how you’re afraid of the rain
and the puddles that remain,
and nothing beats a juicy orange
‘cept a juicy T-bone steak, of course!

Of course, it’s fruits and veggies we endorse.

“Yo soy Bandido,”
though he speaks no Español.
“Can I have your burrito?”
(see, the word “bandit” has limited rhymes…and I’d already used “pandit,” which, in case you didn’t know, is a wise or learned man of India. So now you see how it made sense before, right?)

Heh, well look at that! I got away with not having to rhyme with “Español.”
Don’t be droll; score a goal.
Don’t cajole, but extol.
Totem pole, Dead Sea Scroll,
grassy gnoll, undead troll,
jelly roll swallowed whole,
This is out of control!

“How ‘bout some food in my bowl!”

Oh yeah, this song was about you, wasn’t it, stinker. Okay, how about this:
Banderoni, the San Francisco treat!

Banderino-Dan Marino,
we really ought to slip you Beano™.
They can smell that out in Cupertino,
and believe me, it’s no concertino!

All right, everybody sing!

His name is Bandit.
Yes, he is big and brown.
He will demand it
if you don’t wipe off that frown.
Oh, Bandicoot,
you were hit by a car,
but you’re so damned cute,
and just a little bizarre.

His name is Bandit (or sometime Poochers!)
Yes, he is big and brown.
He will demand it, (yeah he will mooch yers)
if you don’t wipe off that frown.
Oh, Bandicoot, (you big old goof-ball,)
you were hit by a car (unscathed!),
but you’re so damned cute, (yeah you’re a cure-all,)
and just a little bizarre.

His name is Bandit (or sometime Poochers!)
Yes, he is big and brown.
He will demand it, (yeah he will mooch yers)
if you don’t wipe off that frown.
Oh, Bandicoot, (you big old goof-ball,)
you were hit by a car (unscathed!),
but you’re so damned cute, (yeah you’re a cure-all,)
and just a little bizarre.

Well damn it!
Look (look who)
who just puked (puked on)
on the rug.
His name is Bandit!