Blank Episode Five Rpm 2016

43.(A PIANO RUMBLE) Thetworegs

I carried on walking i must have walked for miles. Thinking, cursing him, persuading myself, to forget about him, the fucking no good, and carry on with a newer cleaner life and possibly put everything back to how it should be, and go and try to apologies to the mother of my child again and gain her respect and forgiveness and that of me daughters too . I felt as miserable as sin, let down even a little betrayed but i was determined to succeed. I was not gonna have a quick fucking snifter he could shove it. But fuck was i angry my temper was filling my chest with anxiety as i marched off down the road.

44.(ONE OF THOSE DAYS) Thetworegs

Even when I got back to the hotel and packed. I found me self throwing me stuff into the case, still angry with Reg. I Got a taxi back to the airport and left that same evening on my return ticket. Fuck him!

45.(SLOW DOWN) Thetworegs

I knew this was a chance, maybe the only chance i’d got to get myself back. and i really didn’t want to fuck it up it had been a day or so since the experience in that room. I was pleased to be back in the UK, even happier to be of that fucking plane, flying sober was something else, another white knuckle ride, i would have to get used to. I couldn’t stop thinking, if only, if only i hadn’t , but, guilts funny thing to carry ain’t it. I’ve got to get me self back, go and see the ex mrs and iron all this shit out, i need to, i’m so fucking sorry for what i’ve done.

46.(GOT TO STAY CLEAN) Thetworegs

i thought it was best to go straight back up North, and face the music, waiting would only make it worse. I decided i was strong enough to see the ex wife and my daughter and explain what i’d been through, what i’d come to realize about my behavior. While i was with her. That it was so wrong. I wanted to give them my apologies and a chunk of money from my winnings as back payment for all the alimony i hadn’t paid. I drove up it was raining just like i remembered it used to, it seemed to rain all the fucking while, when i lived there. I finally got of the M1 and drove down into Catcliffe and found the old house we used to live in together, she still lived there. I rang the doorbell and waited, it seemed like an eternity, stood there on the step. Then i saw a silhouette through the glass. A good looking chap in his late Twenties answered the door ,and asked me who i was, i ignored him and .i asked if trace was there and he called back over his shoulder “Tracy, theres someone at the door for you” and with that i knew, they were a couple . She came to the door he walked of back to where ever he came from, She said what the fuck are you doing here? i don’t want you and nor does Eloise so you can clear of” I was all stuttery but, but, but, as the door slammed in my face. I really didn’t want it to be like this, but what did i expect. I rang the doorbell again, and she opened it and shouted at me this time, she’d got her life together and she was with Roger , so just leave us alone and slammed the door again. What could i do but walk away, it wasn’t what i wanted but i did understand. It was still rainIng, pouring like the tears down my cheeks. I realized there was no going back, it was the end, i had fucked up good and proper she’d moved on. So I decided to go up to the post office, where I put most of my winnings that i had left about 30 grand into a large envelope, just leaving a bit to sort me self out and posted it to her with a note saying simply Sorry. and i was sorry, I was so, so fucking sorry to lose her and my beautiful daughter. It was my fault, i had drank it all away. all of it was all my fault, no one else, there wasn’t a a soul i could blame ,thats a lot shoulder. I walked back to the car in the rain and drove into town.

47.( BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TOO) Thetworegs

I had doubt, talking into me hear, in fact it was shouting into both ears. I needed a drink after a let down like that, what i really needed was obliteration, i needed to sleep like sleeping beauty for a 100years, would that of that been enough, i didn’t think so. Doubt was winning i wasn’t strong enough, i couldn’t survive this crushing blow, i had no confidence, i was again with nothing, hope had all gone. Any way it would only be a step back wards, wouldn’t, thats all. Just a step backwards, I mean i was only letting Me self down, no one else, tomorrow. i’ll do it, tomorrow i’ll stop, come there’s always tomorrow there’s always tomorrow ain’t there, i’ll do it tomorrow. Anyway that’s what i remembered thinking when i entered the pub then everything went Blank.

48.(IN THE ASYLUM) Thetworegs

I switched the engine off to the car and sat in silence for a while. So tomorrow was finally here, it was time to shape up or ship out. I had a date to keep in a months time and i was determined to keep it no matter what. I picked up the tickets from the passenger seat and put em in the glove compartment and drove out of the car park into the flow of traffic. The sun was starting to break through the clouds, and i thought to me self, so this is tomorrow, and i’m clean, and i’m gonna stay fucking clean, i mean it, i meant it then and i mean the fucker now, i’m gonna stay clean

49.(NO BOOZING NO CRUISING) Thetworegs

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

All recordings by the Thetworegs unless otherwise specified
With special thanks to Norm, Vaisvil, David and of course Reg.