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Blank Episode One Rpm 2016


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For my contribution to the RPM this year i thought i’d tell a little story……

Blank Episode 1

For those of us who think it impossible to stop these full throttle hands.


(STRANGE DAYS) Thetworegs

The Blue sky in my dreams suddenly turned Pink. Sunlight was trying to pry it’s way under my eyelids, slowly one lifted and a drop of water splattered onto my pupil. I snatched me self up, as I reached upright my shriveled moisture hungry brain caught up with the motion and slammed my brain to my temple, sending a blinding pain pulsing behind my right eye. I put my hand up to my eye to stop the pain from popping my eyeball from it’s socket, I held the hand tight with my other hand as I sat trying to open my eyes against the glare of the bright summer morning sun, it was so bright, I couldn’t make out my surroundings through my squinting out of focus eyes, with the pain of a thousand bastards kicking behind them like the Millwall on a losing Saturday.

2..(LITTLE BRASS CLOCK) Thetworegs

I rubbed my temple with my forefinger, as a mist of water sprayed refreshingly on my unwashed face. The sensation of the water suddenly brought me too, I realized where I was. I must have collapsed again last night, blacked out, lost it, whited out, Fucked up, totally whatever it was i was totally inialated. How else could i explain it, waking up by the fountains in the centre of Sheffield, sleeping on this cold bare concrete, apart from collapsing. It was a wonder why some copper hadn’t arrested me or at least moved me on. Why hadn’t I got me self a Taxi?, it wouldn’t have cost me much, and with that thought my hands flashed around me pockets before resting on the one with me wallet in. Cor! I took it out and with trepertation i looked inside,to my surprise there was a good half inch of Twenty pound notes inside.

3.(IT’S TIME TO COME DOWN) Thetworegs

I smiled to me self, that was till, me head started to pump pain into both me eyes, like it was filling with some kind of noxious gas. I tried to keep me eyelids as closed as possible to let as little light onto me eyes as I could, I was afraid the sunlight could spark and blow up the noxious gas and me bloody head in the process. I tried to make it to me feet, but as I stood upright I instantly collapsed back onto the fucking step. Me blood pressure had gone wild with the pain to breaking point, oh God it was hurting behind me eyes. I clutched me head in disbelief, this fucking hangover, how could it produce so much pain. There were flashing multi colored stars dancing before me vision, it must have taken me three attempts before i was up on me feet moving. I staggered blindly to the nearest newsagents and got some tablets for the pain, and got some water for me brain, you know. As I drank the chilled water it flowed into me body quenching me thirst, it sent a cold chill down both sides of me torso like it was cleaning me gullet, purging the filth from last nights intake. I slowly staggered around town, I must of looked like with each step, I could be stepping onto a mine that would surely do the proper job and blow me to fucking pieces. Then the tablets started to their job and start to ease the pain from me tired worn out eyes. I mooched off into the crowd, into the mist that was before me eyes

4.(THE FUNKY MOOCH) Thetworegs

I stopped in at the cafe by the market and sat a while, hugging a cup of coffee and trying to focus on the evening before. The Last thing I remembered was parking the car by city hall. I was messed up then so God only knows what happened next. I looked up from me coffee for the first time in fifteen minutes and believe it or not me eyes didn’t hurt. I thought I saw somebody, I thought I recognized somebody as I glanced to window from the corner of my eye. The trouble is they were sitting with me, beside me. I looked again and they who ever they were were gone. It made me remember something though, I vaguely remembered being with somebody, but who? who the hell was it?. I must of sat there for another hour thinking, it was someone I knew, someone I knew well.

5.(THE FUNKY MOOCH) Thetworegs

I started to obsess on it, I sat thinking but nothing clear was coming to me. The more I thought the further away the answers seemed to go. I finished me coffee and made me way to the car park behind City hall. It was there I was greeted with a screen full of parking tickets, dating back ,over the last seven days. Either someone was messing with me head, or the car had been there a lot longer than just last night like I remembered. I pulled the tickets from the window wiper and unlocked the car and sat in the drivers seat looking at the tickets trying to take it all in, it wasn’t the night I was missing but it was at the very least a whole week. I took me wallet out and along with the wad of notes was a used airplane ticket of all fucking things, a return to Geneva, and a car parking receipt for a car park in Manchester dating Seven days ago, none of this made any fucking sense to me. I couldn’t remember anything about the trip, why would the fuck would i want to go to Geneva?. I didn’t know anyone one there, had never been, or even wanted to go. What the fuck had I been doing in Geneva, I sat and wracked me brains, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything. I Turned the key and started the car then Wham! a flash of thought came to me as kinda vision.

6.(FUNKY SPUNK Instrumental) David

It was misty driving across the moors as the sun started to rise, the mist wrapped round the car like an invisible shroud as it reached the top of the hill. We were now driving in the clouds. The view was ghost like with shrubs of heather appearing and disappearing with the odd tree as the car moved forward like a ship moving through fog, slowly sailing through the cloud. The road in front appeared like it was churning it’s way out through the cloud not unlike a Grey Yellow brick road being pumped into view, leading us on to OZ. As the car began it’s decent down through the cloud. The clouds became thinner allowing a clearer view of the road and opening up the glorious view of the valley below, with Manchester looming in the distance.

7.(LADYKILLER ) Thetworegs

The traffic was strangely clear as we passed through onto the motorway there wasn’t a single car on it until we turned off for the airport ,then at the roundabout it seemed that all the cars that we’d missed on the motorway were now stretched out in one long cue. It took hours to do the next mile or so. Fucking hours.

8.(THE SPY) Thetworegs & David
We parked the car at the long stay car park and then travelled in silence on the bus to the airport terminal. When we arrived i said lets get a drink and some food, i’m starving. I ordered a couple of pints and two full English’s and found a seat at the empty table with a good view of the people roaming the airport. I loved to man watch, I stopped drinking once and watching people was me favorite pastime it was like watching me own personal live TV. I could do it anywhere, I didn’t need a license to do it, it was free and like anyone i loved things that are free. We sat in silence eating breakfast watching the people pass by. Then I started conjuring up characters and their life stories from the people passing by. “They’ve just had an argument, she’s got his goat already and they haven’t even started their holiday yet, i bet his shoes are too tight, look ,there, I bet, i bet his feet are too hot, i mean you can see, can’t you. Look at the way he’s looking at her. He’s not an happy puppy. He’s got two weeks of her yet on the holiday that hasn’t even started yet, with him wanting to drink and get wasted everyday and her wanting to sunbath, shop and experience the local culture. He wants to experience the local culture alright but not in the way she’s wants him too. He’s gonna have to be putting up with the shopping trips and the cultural visits just to keep her in a good mood so he can get to the bar now and again and you never know it might include a good bit of holiday sex or something. Cough! if he can convince her to have a drink or two. He might just get that sex. Just look at the poor sod, struggling with all them bags, RUN! GO ON RUN! and then we giggled like a couple of school boys, drained our pints had a couple of Whiskies and headed for the departure lounge


I get the window seat, of course, the worst fucking seat on the plane and instantly starts thinking of what I would do if there’s gonna be a crash. “I’d have to get me self up and go across the top of the seats as everyone else would be trying to get down the isle. What is it?, five rows to the nearest exit. If i go in along the tops of the window seats when i get there i should be just pushed out with the force of the others trying to get out. Now all of i’ve got to do, is stay calm and breath. Now come on breath” It’s then I notice the huge form of a large sweaty man coming down the isle, wearing an old suit with the tie loose at the neck with beads of sweat forming on his bald head, i can smell him from here ”He’s not sitting next to me is he” I thinks to me self“ I won’t be able breath with him taking up all the oxygen” I start to panic a little as the man plonks himself in the centre seat taking up my arm rest and most of my oxygen.” Breath, Breath, breath and relax….breath and relax “ I silently go through this mantra or at least, till i calm down or at least get as calm as i’m gonna be. You could say I am a little nervous of flying 30,000ft up in a tin can at 500 miles per hour sitting next to the Bulk here,I mean he smells like a cess pit. You could say, and you wouldn’t be lying i’m fucking terrified of flying. I haven’t forgot them poor buggers setting alight waiting for the plane to take off. I notice how many fat fuckers there are on the flight they must be going to some slimming convention somewhere and i’m thinking surely the planes not gonna be able to lift off with all this weight on. and i start my mantra again“Breath, breath ,relax, breath.

witzelsucht's avatar
witzelsucht said

Sounds great downloaded will listen to it all later ...

Guest said

That was awesome! It reminded me of a Guy Richie movie. Compelling and fun! Awesome

Tony Rissole's avatar
Tony Rissole said

Loved The Start to this, bit of a shock with the poetic speech but that's new as well.

The Missed Connections's avatar
The Missed Connections said

Everything about this is amazing.

Guest said

Listened to this over on SC. Fabulous. Sounds like an East End Mickey Spillane.

Johnny Stone's avatar
Johnny Stone said


fallingupart's avatar
fallingupart said

Laughing me arse off. Good stuff, Reg. :)

Guest said

Poor old suffering Reg; a man of broad complexities - most of which have been borrowed from others - yet a man magnanimous to forgive...just as soon as he gets revenge. Looking forward to Part 6...

sluggthesickpuppy's avatar
sluggthesickpuppy said

at last! the whole story!

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