Blank Episode Four Rpm 2016
BLANK Episode 4
31.(A MAN LIKE ME) Thetworegs
Thirty minutes or so had passed and fuck all had happened i was starting to think he’d given me a fucking placebo when the little Red light from the stereo, jumped and started flickering up and down the metal work of the shelves, it was darting about a group of rRed lights playing chase around the shelve, i thought to myself it must of started apart from this i felt clear headed the shakes had gone in fact i felt great. If this was how i was going to feel this would be a walk in the park, i was sure of it then the Doc got up and started to speak, and my feelings changed a little.
32.(THE EXPERIMENT) Thetworegs
Well what can i say, my throat was tight my body felt like it had gone into in shock i had the fear or flight response going, every muscle was tense,coiled like a spring, my teeth felt like they were made of chalk and i couldn’t stop gritting them together me jaw bone was aching, yet my head was calm taking it all in. The air moved around the speakers like the atmosphere was made of liquid i could see the music coming from the speakers, when i spoke i could see the air move distorting the image of people faces, if i looked at them too long they looked like they were beginning to drip. The doc got out four small mirrors from a bag he was keeping by his chair and told us to look at our reflection and tell each other in turn what we saw.
33.(IS THIS THE LAST TIME) Thetworegs
The skin dripped away from my face reveling the muscle underneath which in turn ran down to my chin and dripped of leaving my eyes, and the blood vessels and nerves clinging to my skull. It was horrific to watch but i couldn’t tare my eyes away from the image. I looked into my eyes and made the connection to my mind and relived the last few days with in seconds, then went back further and further right the way to being conceived then my life started to play forward to my childhood. The foster parents the homes the beatings the lack of love, as time went on the images flashed through my minds eye quicker and quicker till they were just a flicker of an image, stopping at the moment i took my first drink at the age of eleven at the barn dance sitting on the bails, i was transported back to that night, the first moments, the first taste of what alcohol bought to my life. The Unfrequented love of Tracy, the loud music the smell of cheap Charlie perfume and cigarette smoke. me feelings of not being good enough, old enough,handsome enough and how the drink drowned those feelings out me numb to hurt. Then me mind flashed forward again to me stumbling into the maternity ward opening all the doors to the different private rooms shouting for my wife and on finding her, being chucked out by security and missing the birth of my daughter. my mind was flashing from one disaster to another all of them connected to the drink. With the willpower from somewhere i snatched myself away from the mirror and threw it hard against the wall and with it shattering all those bad memories from my mind. With the smashing of the mirror i ran to the corner of the room and crouched crying try to curl myself into a ball trying hard to make myself invisible.
34.(I FEEL ) Thetworegs
The Doc was pretty hands off, i think the only time he would have stepped in is if we looked like we would hurt ourselves or others. During this stage of the trip each of us were pretty insular, i was still in the corner with my eyes closed falling into the black multi coloured-ness of nothing, i was going so far in my mind had become a black hole that was consuming me. i was just, well I was just.
35.(WHERE THE GOLD LIES) Thetworegs
It was like being inside a mine, i suppose i was, i was inside the universal mine, digging into my mind trying to find that piece of gold that was the true me, the one who was once upon a time innocent and clean, God how i needed to find him.
36 (NO RHYME OR REASON) Thetworegs
Someone changed the music and with it the mood of the room, it was a song with someone playing an accordion and suddenly i was in the South of France laying on beach looking up at the Blue sky feeling the warmth from the sun and brimming with a deep joy. I was with my family, i hadn’t drank in months, i’d even kept a job down and took them on holiday. then suddenly the music stopped and with it the memory i was snatched back to the room abruptly. I asked the Doc what time it was and he said it was little before quarter to Twelve, i couldn’t believe it, all this, that was happening to me was in the last ten minutes since seeing the Red light move. How could that be? i’d lived almost a lifetime with in my mind during that period and as i thought this i was off again . I went over to the window and looked outside, it was one of those window that only opened from the bottom on a cantilever. I put my for-head against the cool glass and looked down on the world below. A tree was growing with so much life force i could see it was almost bursting then a pattern pushed from it into the thick syrupy atmosphere and connected the grass to it, which in turn connected to the flowers, which connected to the earth the earth to the concrete, the pattern rushed along and up the brickwork to me, it entered me, connecting me to everything everyone, we were and are all one. One unstoppable energy. I turned to tell the others but they already knew i didn’t have to speak it was a kind of telepathy.
37.(THE LOVE I FEEL) Thetworegs
I was filled with so much regret, i wept and the tears rolled down my cheeks. an overwhelming feeling to be, to give, to have love, to hold it, cherish it, it was all important. Love was the answer to everything, i had to drop my wall and allow it to enter my life, believe in it , want it. I had spent so many years running from it when i should have been running towards it, it seemed so clear to me at that moment. Drink was getting in the way. It only helped me to hide not live life. Thats it, it was gone from my life, i didn’t want it, my mind certainly didn’t need it.I was adamant. Then my mind flicked of in a different direction, guilt, all the things i was guilty of turned into an image with in my mind and fell like stones into the room, i was ducking and diving around the room trying to miss them, i couldn’t see the others it was like i was alone. I started to pick the stones up and collect them into a bag but as i put the last stone into the bag i tripped and fell into the carpet with them, it was like i was underwater and i couldn’t breathe and the stones were dragging me down deeper, i had to let go of them and i floated back to the surface and climbed out and felt free, for the first time in years. It was then i realized i hadn’t left corner i’d tried to be invisible in.
38.(THE DECISION) Thetworegs
The Doc got us all to lie on the floor and put on velcro blindfolds and listen to the soundtrack he put on to the stereo. It was of a heartbeat that slowly over time got slower and slower. The feelings this bought on was that it was slowly stopping time allowing me to catch up with myself, i started wonder where Reg was, I wanted to share what was going on my mind with him forgetting that he would already know, but he didn’t put in an appearance, it was like i knew he was there but he silently hiding somewhere watching every thing that went on like a spy keeping an eye on my mind, making sure it wouldn’t be taken too far. My divorce or rather the guilt hung heavily on me, i understood that now . The want to rectify all the trouble i caused had manifested it’s self in to a weight that pushed down on my chest until it started suffocating me and i had to rip the blind fold off and take a deep breath i was gasping for oxygen. there were more tears as my thoughts went to how useless of a father i had been, but along with those tears was a sense of relief that i was actually facing up to my guilt. I lay back onto the floor and place the blindfold back on to me face, inside my head one side was laughing and joking the other side was serious and silent in the middle i could feel something trying to tug on mind trying to pull something from it, i started to imagine what it was tugging and i could see a number of small tiny hands tugging and pulling the thoughts from my mind. i wrestled on the floor until i realized what the hands were looking for , it was a decision, i had to make a decision and it had to be the right one. The decision was mine to make and i had to make it now before the hands pulled all my thoughts from my mind and left me empty.
39.(LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL) Thetworegs
Could i really do it, could i stop hiding could i let the good times roll and stick with them or would i just play it lip service. Get of Doctor S’s grasp and just put all these feeling down to drug inducement or would it stay with me. It felt like this experience would stay with me and keep me on the straight and narrow. But the life the madness the unexpected, the whole rock n roll of a drunkards life could i let that go?, is that what i was really hooked on? the adventure and the risk and all the guilt and anxiety was just a by product of it i suppose only time would tell. The doc told us to sit at the dining table, he had a number of questions he needed to ask us. We duly obliged and he sat with us individually. He asked me about why i had decided to come here, what my motivation was, how would this treatment differ for me than all the others i had tried in the past. Who or what i felt most guilt for. What i was going to do on leaving. I answered him the best i could, having to take time out each time my thoughts wandered from the present. His questions cemented the decisions i had already made. That was until Reg appeared and whispered in my ear, we’ve got to of here son ,this is becoming too intrusive, why do they want to know all this shit about you,these people are after your soul. I was confused now, Reg had been so gunho on me coming and getting help now he wanted me out away from these people, what was going on who should i trust, Reg or the doc. The turmoil wurled in side of my mind ,question after question, answer after answer, until i was dizzy, because i could see the wurr of mind messing up my vision, the room wurled in the opposite direction of my thoughts. It all became too much and i blacked out.
40.(I LEARNED TO FLY) Thetworegs
When i came back round, i was sitting at the table in deep discussion with other which was weird as i couldn’t have passed out at all because i was in deep conversation with chap called Paul about what addiction was. I could quite fathom it here i was part of me was holding a conversation another part was watching me in a conversation and i mean watching i was out of my body looking in, there was another me talking to Reg explaining my decisions and then there was the part that blocked all this out. i could hear bird song coming in through the window, i looked out ,it looked like dawn had we really been in this room seventeen or eighteen hours, thinking, talking, hallucinating. i’d nearly done my first day sober, i’d done a lot of thinking about being a drunkard but not one single thought of getting drunk, i mean this was going well.
Why did Reg have too whisper in my ear with that thought, now i had doubt, and doubt would lead to failure. What the fuck was he playing at, one of me own, me, playing against me. with these thoughts i drifted of to sleep in the armchair.
42.(I STOLE THE TRUTH FROM YESTERDAY) Thetworegs
I woke to the sound of an alarm, it was the Docs way of bring us all out of our comas together. He explained that this was the first of three treatments and that we would have to come back in a months time for our second one. But first we would have to put into practice what we have decided do ,wether that be to carry on drinking and hiding from our problems, or remaining dry and facing them. we said our goodbyes and left each other. I decided to walk back through the town back to the hotel as it was a beautiful day and wanted the walk to think through what had happened in that room. Reg whispered in my ear “Fancy a quick snifter” , i looked at him in disbelief i could believe he was trying to tempt me so fucking soon,we hadn’t left the grounds of the hospital yet. I thought what a bastard and told him so there and then and we got into a massive argument, i told him to fuck off and leave me alone, if he couldn’t support me, to fuck it leave me and go. I told him. i was fucking disappointed and he was just afraid that he wouldn’t survive my sobriety and that he was just thinking of him fucking self as normal,and his own survival not giving a monkeys chuff about mine. So i told him again to go in no uncertain terms and he finally fucked off, sulking. I turned and saw him walking away muttering to himself,that was the last i saw of him. As i walked on i was a bit angry, no i was fucking real angry with him and me self for being taken in by him, for listening to him all that fucking while, thinking he was a mate, i thought he was only thinking of my own well being. Fucking Cunt He might be a figment of my imagination but he had let me down bad and i was sad about losing him. I mean you are when you lose a mate it’s like a death in the family ain’t it